Three years ago, Lynette Whiteman’s 85-year-old mother fell in the middle of the night and broke her pelvis.
Emotions are high in any crisis, so people often aren’t thinking about being careful about how they communicate.
Unfortunately, she was the full-time caregiver for her husband, Whiteman's father, who had vascular dementia, so Whiteman had to spring into action. “I remember driving to the hospital... and thinking, ‘Everything is going to change now,’” said Whiteman, now 58, who lives in New Jersey in the US. “Not only did my mom suddenly need care and rehab, but we had to put people in place to help my dad.”
Dealing with a caregiving emergency can test even the most organised family. There’s a good chance you’ll experience it for yourself. One in three US workers face elder care responsibilities and almost half expect to face them in the next five years, one survey showed. In the UK, 52% of caregivers — or 3.38 million people — are caring for a parent or in-law. In Australia, 671,000 of primary caregivers are looking after parents.
While such a crisis is often health-related, there are other things that often require quick assistance. For instance, you might find your father is suffering from dementia and hasn’t been paying his bills. Or a weather emergency could cause a power outage that will shut off lights, heat and other equipment. “The first thing to do is assess the situation,” said Amy Goyer, AARP’s family, parenting and grandparenting expert, and author of Juggling Work and Caregiving. “What is the main crisis you need to focus on?”
Here’s how to proceed when an emergency hits.
What it will take: It’s a juggling act. Get ready to manage your parent’s healthcare needs and meet their day-to-day obligations, yet also maintain your own life. The more you can do ahead of time, the more seamless it will be. “It’s better if you’re not trying to find information and make decisions and look into the future when you’re in the middle of a crisis,” Goyer said. “Your emotions are going to be all over the place.”
How long you need to prepare: If your parents are in their 60s or 70s, you should be talking to them about what plans they have in place and what their wishes are in the event of a caregiving crisis, said Deborah Stone of MyAgeingParent.com, a UK website with resources for those caring for an elderly relative. So, ensure your parents have prepared their estate documents. In many cases that includes wills, financial and healthcare powers of attorney, and medical directives.
An emergency can test even the most organised family. (Credit: Thinkstock)
For hints on starting this challenging conversation, you might visit theFive Wishes page from AgingWithDignity.org. “Try to put it in terms of why it’s going to prolong their independence,” said Andy Cohen, co-founder and chief executive officer of US site Caring.com. “They need to do these things so their wishes will be honored.”
Do it now: Let everyone know what’s happening. “Get the siblings together on a phone call or Skype chat,” Cohen said. “Having a family meeting is the first step. Usually it falls to a daughter who is close by to be the alpha caregiver, but there’s usually someone who takes the lead and is organising and communicating to the other siblings what’s going on.”
If there’s another parent still in the picture who can handle the decision-making, adult children should take a supporting role. That could mean researching medical conditions and treatment, discussing options with your parent, offering opinions respectfully, and even bringing coffee, meals or a warm blanket when needed.
If there are disagreements about your other parent’s decisions, a hospital social worker or family mediator may help. “The emotions are high in any crisis, so people often aren’t thinking about being careful about how they communicate,” Goyer said. “People who have never had conflict before often find themselves in the thick of it now.”
Determine what needs managing. Does your parent have a mortgage payment due? Are there pets who require care? Who’s managing the house? “Make a checklist for yourself and make sure all those bases are being covered,” Goyer said. “Neighbours can be very helpful.” If one parent is caught up in dealing with their spouse’s healthcare issues, they may need help managing their day-to-day life.
When your aging parent needs you — now. (Credit: Thinkstock)
Talk to your parent. Ask if estate documents have been prepared. If so, ask that they include a healthcare power of attorney or medical directive — and where to find them. Those documents will enable you (or whomever your parent names) to make decisions regarding healthcare. You should also ask for a list of user names and passwords for online accounts and a list of bills that need paying on a regular basis. “A lot of people do online bill paying now,” Goyer said. “So it’s not like you can go home and check the mail and see if there’s something due.”
Check your employer’s policies. Depending on where you live, you may be able to take a leave of absence. In the US, for instance, the Family and Medical Leave Act allows for 12 weeks of leave in a 12-month period to deal with a parent with a serious health condition. In the UK, an employer may allow “compassionate leave” for an emergency situation. In Australia, you may be able to take Sick & Carer’s Leave.
Deal with your own life. Don’t forget that while you’re handling the details of your parent’s life, yours continues. Delegate as necessary and ensure your own obligations are being met.
Do it later: Get help. You may need services to help your parent
daily with household and caretaking tasks.
Or you may need to find a new place for them to live, such as an assisted living residence. Your parent may need a care assessment to qualify for services. That may mean contacting your parent’s GP or the local agency on aging. In the US, a geriatric care manager can be especially helpful in coordinating things, particularly if you don’t live close by.
Do it smarter: Remember that you’re an advocate. If you’re in the hospital with a parent, remember that you’re there to support them. If they're thirsty, make sure they get water. If they're cold, make sure they get a heated blanket. If they're getting medication, do your best to keep track of it. When Goyer’s mother was in the hospital, “they had put one of her medications on her list twice,” Goyer said. “And the nurse was literally going to give it to her twice.”
Determine who is in charge — the doctor assigned to your parent, the head nurse — and then connect with those people. “I think often, in hospitals, we feel kind of like we’re a passenger along for the ride,” Goyer said. “But you need to see yourself more as one of the navigators. You have every right to ask questions.”
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